CLOWNS ARE SCARY

greasepaint & cigar breath & whiskers & plaid. i hate them. mommy says she didn’t mean it when she took me to the circus & let one drag me out of my seat to waddle me around the ring & flap my hand at the crowd. i suppose she thinks it’s funny. but just wait till she finds out where i hid all the peas. stupid, gross peas. lucy at school knew a boy who shoved peas up his nose & they were frozen & got trapped & he had to go to the hospital & get them sucked out with a hose even though he could have just waited for them to melt & turn into snot & now i can’t eat peas. mommy doesn’t believe that story. one day when i’m grown i’ll become president & pass a law that says no more peas & no more clowns & no more stupid school. i hate school. lucy says she’s so smart she doesn’t have to do any homework but just sits at the back of the room sorting her scratch-n-sniff stickers. i don’t know who she thinks she is because i have two classes with her & she gets called on & says the wrong answer. like when sister mary asked where does the pope live & lucy said the north pole & sister mary said that’s santa claus & lucy said what’s the difference. mommy says lucy should be on prozac. she says i should watch out & behave myself or i’ll be the one on prozac but i’ll tell you who should be on prozac & that’s richie phelps. lucy & i were at the ice cream parlor where she got a rocky road & i got an orange sherbet. richie was there too. he took us out behind the dumpster & showed us his wiener. i said gross & lucy said yuck & richie said you just wait, little girls, one of these days you’ll find out you like these & i said not if they all look like that. lucy says every boy has a wiener, even our daddies. lucy’s daddy is a big shot in the army & is off fighting a war. i told her my daddy lives in california because he made my mommy mad & lucy said it just goes to show you. she rolls her eyes in mass when they talk about god the father & says the priests are all perverts, just look at their dresses. that makes my big brother laugh. he says lucy is one sharp cookie & knows which end is up. i love my big brother. his name is todd & he is super ultra mega awesome. todd hates clowns & peas & school & loves orange sherbet just like me. i suppose he has a wiener too but i don’t want to think about it. someday todd & i are going to run away to japan & join a gang & become samurai warriors on motorcycles. todd has a girlfriend named anna & says she’s hot but i’m not so sure. she wears glasses & reads too much & doesn’t like video games & talks all the time about politics. her favorite word is injustice. anna doesn’t like it that todd looks at playboy. she says it’s demeaning but one time i snuck a peek when todd wasn’t home & i thought it was okay. lucy says todd isn’t a pervert. one time she met him when he picked me up from school & she fumbled & stumbled & blushed. todd got a digital camera for xmas last year & ever since he’s been a total shutterbug. he drove me out to a field in the country & took pictures of me running & jumping. then he said i have a surprise for you & i said what & he said wait here i’ll be right back. he went to the car & came back with a real-life pistol. it was black & shiny & heavy. he said it’s not loaded & it’s not a toy but it belonged to daddy & i’ve kept it hidden in my closet ever since i found it after he left & i thought you should get a chance to hold it & anyway when we go to japan & become gangsters you’ll want to be comfortable holding a gun so when you get your own gun all the other gangsters will know you mean business. i said okay. so he handed it to me & i pointed it at a bush & todd took more pictures. he said i looked tough & cool. he says he wants to make a book of pictures & post them on the internet & i’ll be in some of them only not the ones with the pistol because mommy might see them & get mad. lucy says she wants a pistol so she can settle the score with richie phelps & sister mary & lots of other people besides. stupid boys & stupid priests & haven’t they ever heard of the scientific revolution. she has a treehouse in her backyard way up at the tippy-top with a telescope & a desk & notebooks & a radio. i asked her who does she think she is & she said galileo & i said who’s that & she said he was a super ultra mega genius back in olden times who got persecuted for being smarter than everybody else especially the priests & i said did he have a treehouse too & that made her mad. whenever lucy gets mad a squiggly vein swells up on her forehead & i poke it with my finger to make her laugh. todd says anna gets mad too sometimes but no vein swells up on her forehead. she just struts around like a hyperactive chicken & says injustice, injustice. but todd makes her laugh too & can make anybody laugh & that’s why he’s so awesome. one time todd & mommy & i were at the beach & i wore my black swimsuit & todd wore his blue trunks with the white stripe & mommy totally wore floral print culottes & a pink tank top & sat on a lawn chair under an umbrella because she doesn’t like the sun & she said you two go ahead i’ll watch you from here. so todd & i walked side by side across the sand & that’s when he reached over & smacked my butt. i totally saw red & wanted to kill him & he said that’s your butt & i said i know it’s my butt why did you smack it & he said to make sure it was there & i said is your butt there & he said smack it & find out. so i did & he said good we both have butts & i laughed & he said come on let’s go whale hunting & we ran toward the waves. todd is nothing like that pervert richie phelps with his stupid, ugly wiener. lucy & i left the ice cream parlor & walked along licking our cones & lucy said want to come to my treehouse & i said what for & she said to do homework & i said you never do homework & she said i don’t mean real homework. i said okay. along the way i told her about the clown at the circus who pulled me out of my seat to waddle me around the ring & flap my hand at the crowd & lucy said i’ve heard this before & i said greasepaint & cigar breath & whiskers & plaid. i hate them. then we got to the tree & lucy climbed the ladder & opened the trapdoor. i climbed up behind her. then lucy closed the door & i looked around at the desk & the chair & a pile of blankets in the corner. lucy said sometimes i sleep up here. then she pointed to her telescope & said this is where i take on the world & even though i thought that was kind of funny i only smiled & lucy stepped toward me & swallowed because she was nervous & then she kissed me & opened her mouth & it was sticky & sweet from the rocky road & i liked that & she said guess what there’s no more clowns & she was right & i liked that too.